SPORTS OFFENSIVE

More details have been released about the online ‘data room’ where prospective buyers of Newcastle United can peruse the club’s accounts.

An insider who helped to set the site up revealed that: “Obviously, we were a bit stretched when it came to the budget, but we’ve managed to set it up as a homage to the classic first-person shooter game Doom.”

Prospective buyers must roam around the data room, trying to collect books of accounts, stray receipts and letters from debtors before they can get a closer look at them. All the while, they’ll be coming under attack from a zombie army of Mike Ashleys, Chris Hughtons and Little Dennis Wises.”

The consortium who gets the highest score by the end of next week will get the club for the knock down asking price. When Sports Offensive tried to enter the data room last night, we were met with a ‘404 – page not available’ message.

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Robbie Fowler’s move to the Australian A-League has been plunged into doubt after the country’s authorities barred the entry of his extensive collection of false snakes.

The former Liverpool goal ace is expected to play a major role for North Queensland Fury in the upcoming season, but now that his mock snakes won’t be joining him, he could turn on his heels and return to Britain.

Fowler has over 8,000 of the snakes, which are made from assorted household items such as socks, lengths of garden hose and women’s stockings filled with newspaper. They all have trademark googly eyes and a forked tongue cut from leather.

The striker started making the snakes as a way to help him relax when not playing and some of his finest efforts were displayed in the corner of a room in London’s Tate Modern last year.

But Australia has notoriously strict animal import laws which include pretend creatures, and Fowler’s application has been dismissed with no recourse to him to appeal.

A host of Championship and League One clubs, along with collectors of artificial reptiles have been put on red alert.

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Rafael Benitez has revealed the growing rift between him and Sir Alex Ferguson is based on a comment made about Fergie’s country dancing skills.

“We were at the League Manager’s annual dinner dance”, says Benitez. “Sir Alex is always the centre of attention and many managers want to be his friend and get him clean napkins and this kind of thing”.

But Rafa is his own man and clearly over-stepped the mark once Sir Alex took to the floor for a traditional Scottish Country Dance with his partner, assistant manager Mike Phelan.

“Sir Alex, his footwork was not up to scratch”, tutted Benitez. “I am Spanish and even I can see that”. It is thought Benitez compared Sir Alex’s dancing to “watching a red-faced drunk old man in a kilt trying to cross an icy river on roller skates”.

The Liverpool boss was also scathing about Sir Alex’s attempts at a traditional Scottish Sabre Dance. “He kept kicking the swords all around the dance floor. It sounded like a tray of cutlery falling down stairs. At one point Sir Alex stepped on as sword and fell into the lap of Mr. David Moyes. You could see the shame on the face of his fellow Scots man”.

Sir Alex has not spoken to Rafael Benitez since.

Below (Ferguson at a recent fundraiser for cow cancer.)

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Seven Premiership footballers are to face FA disciplinary action after it was revealed they have placed large bets on the possibility of Jade Goody being resurrected on Easter Sunday.

“We have seen large amounts of money placed on the possibility of Jade rising from the dead and being proclaimed the new Saviour”, claimed FA spokesman Geoff Hartswood. “We suspect the players may have some inside information and we will be talking to her grieving husband and representatives from The Sunday Mirror regarding this matter”.

Having only last week dedicated twelve pages of coverage to Jade Goody’s funeral, rumours suggest that Mirror Group newspapers may have plotted an elaborate resurrection scam with Ms. Goody’s agent in order to boost flagging sales.

It is further rumoured that news of the resurrection leaked to members of the West Ham football team via Jade’s husband Jack Tweed, a big Hammers fan.

“We categorically deny all these accusations”, said a spokesman for the Sunday Mirror. “But make sure you buy this Sunday’s edition of the paper which includes vouchers for a free Jade Goody character Easter egg from Superdrug”. The paper will also feature a pull out poster of Jade on a crucifix which readers “can put in their front window and use to pray for a job”.

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Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has blasted Fabio Capello’s decision to call-up Ledley King to the England squad as he can barely train with the Spurs squad due to a persistent knocking sound. (The Star)

King himself has pleaded with Capello not to pick him and said he may retire from international football in order to discover the cause of the knocking sound. (Daily Telegraph)

Championship star Jason Scotland is in danger of being out of work this summer because of a squeaking noise that is hard to trace. Said a Swansea fan: “On an average Saturday, our games are constantly disrupted by a small, repetitive squeak coming from Jason. It’s very distracting”. A local mechanic has offered to take the player out for a run to see if he can work out where it’s coming from.  (Daily Mail)

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney will not face any further investigation into the explosive backfiring noises which lead to his dismissal against Fulham on Saturday. The referee is satisfied that Rooney has since had his cylinders cleaned and that there should be no further trouble. (Various)

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Paul Gascoigne has revealed that, during the depths of his cocaine and Special Brew addiction, he had some of his natural teeth removed and replaced with carved Scrabble pieces.

“As you can now see I have a beautiful, full mouth of teeth. What you can’t see is that, behind each tooth, is a Scrabble letter that spells out the words “The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog”. That means the entire alphabet is now in my mouth and I also have a fantastic set of choppers for which to eat my tea with”.

Picture exclusive: Gascoigne during the laborious scrabble-insertion process.

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Sir Alex Ferguson fears Cristiano Ronaldo could quit English football because of a shortage of traditional hair pomade. “Cristiano uses a refined hair product originally created in Victorian times. He has run out and is now a very angry young man”.

The George Trumper Bay Rum and Caribbean Lime Pomade is currently out of stock due to a blockade of Port Royal in Jamaica by the British Navy. The Trumper Company’s fleet of Pomade vessels is stranded in the harbour. Says Sir Alex, “Unless the Navy allow those ships to set sail for English waters, Ronaldo will definitely leave this club”.

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Temporary Portsmouth manager Paul Hart has revealed his cunning scheme to recycle unwanted players has come to a halt due to local regulations.

“You would think the council didn’t want us to save the planet”, complained the caretaker boss. “I’ve got about fifteen players here that would make fantastic compost but I can’t even set up the new bin without permission from some paper pushers at the town hall”.

It appears that Hart has received THREE free compost bins from the council, whereas each household is only entitled to one. “Mr. Hart used the address for the football club, the club’s training ground and the address of a local car spare shop in order to fraudulently obtain two more bins than he is rightfully entitled to”, said a council representative. “We cannot allow him to proceed with his plans to compost players until he returns two of the bins and makes separate arrangements to buy any additional bins he feels necessary to do the job”.

Hart disagrees: “You’d think after all this club has done for the local community – what with David Nugent’s breakdancing classes and David James posing for the life drawing classes down the girl’s school – they could spare a couple of extra bins, but no. It’s bureaucracy gone mad as usual”.

Hart now plans to take his unwanted players down to the local council dump. “They have several small skips down there for recycling all kinds of sportsmen but the football one is always full. Hopefully they won’t notice if I put a couple of footballers in the cricketer skip by accident”.

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Tottenham have revealed the reasons for launching their surprise raid on Portsmouth.

Chairman Daniel Levy: “As people know, last Thursday night between the hours of 2300 and 0400 Greenwich Mean Time, a band of Tottenham Hotspur players under the guidance of manager Harry Redknapp (above left) invaded the Fratton Park ground, securing a section of the turf and proclaiming it for the newly created Country of Hotspur.

“We believe the land of Fratton Park to be rich in natural minerals. Our scientists have drilled there and discovered deposits of both oil and gold”.  Mr. Levy believes the invasion of Portsmouth and taking possession of the oil deposits is the only way of securing his club’s financial future.

“We are struggling to maintain our foothold in the Premiership. Our resources are limited. By taking this land into our possession, I am sure we will be able to raise sufficient capital to buy a player at some point soon”.

While the owners of Fratton Park looked on, scratching their heads, Mr. Redknapp and his players erected a flag with the Tottenham emblem on it and then set about putting up  a six man tent with awning. “We’re not moving until we’ve got all the oil – and possibly Peter Crouch”, laughed the genial Spurs boss.

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Football fans across the nation – and many Sky subscribers – today united in organising a big street party ‘thank you’ to Sky Television after it announced its £1bn deal with the Premiership.

“I couldn’t live without the live football Sky provides”, said viewer Gary Crawford shortly before settling down to watch Stoke City versus Blackburn, adding, “At the moment I’m only paying about fifty quid a month…thank God for Sky”.

Following tense scenes at the Premier League’s headquarters it was announced that Sky had won four of the six packages on offer. “We are delighted”, said Sky Sports boss Vic Wakeling. “This means Andy Gray and the whole Sky Sports football team will be on your screens for many years to come”.

“Football is core to Sky’s broadcasting business”, proclaimed Sky bigwig Jeremy Darroch. “It’s either the football or Gladiators or Noel Edmonds to be honest. It was a pleasure to pay a billion pounds to keep us in business”.

“You have to hand it to Sky”, said ex-Sky employee Brian Jardine. “If it wasn’t for Sky paying all that money – some of which is probably the wage I would have earned if Sky hadn’t fired me – I doubt we could enjoy the thrills of Premiership football any more”.

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